In one of my last posts in December, I wrote that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. It was basically an admission that I’d been dealing with a lot of heavy emotions and turbulent thoughts and feelings. Well, it turns out I’m pregnant, and I was on a rollercoaster made wild by hormones.
The day before Christmas I was set to join my stepdad and family in Mexico for a week-long vacay at an all-inclusive. I was late, unusually late, and I decided it would be better to take a test now just in case. After all, I didn’t want to spend the next seven days drinking and then return to find out I’d been pregnant the entire time. So I rolled out of bed about an hour before we had to leave for the airport to take the test. To my surprise, it lit up immediately. My mind went kind of blank, and all I could think was “Well. I need to go finish packing.” It wasn’t until I heard my partner coming down the hall with two cups of coffee in his hands that my heart started to pound and things got real. When I turned around and looked at him, all he said was, “I knew it.”
To my surprise, it lit up immediately. My mind went kind of blank, and all I could think was “Well. I need to go finish packing.” It wasn’t until I heard my partner coming down the hall with two cups of coffee in his hands that my heart started to pound and things got real. When I turned around and looked at him, all he said was, “I knew it.”
I don’t remember what we said in the 30 minutes we had before he had to take me to the airport. I remember suppressing hysterical laughter at some point, and I remember feeling the beginning of the onslaught of emotions that accompanies such news – excitement, confusion, joy, fear, resignation, resentment, anger at myself. We stopped on the way to the airport to pick up one more test, which I took in the CVS bathroom. Still positive.
I spent the next 10 hours traveling and thinking and worrying and wondering what was going to happen. I’m 33, so I knew there was only one option for me, as much as I might have liked to feel like I had the freedom to choose among other options. My body and mind wouldn’t go anywhere other than an acceptance of the pregnancy and motherhood, so that was set pretty early. But what I wasn’t really ready for was the abrupt transition from maiden to mother.
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